A sample of DP's best zingers!

Chris Brown broke down while singing Man in the Mirror during the Michael Jackson tribute. Friends say he was upset because producers wouldn't let him sing the song he really wanted: Beat It.


Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90-days in jail for violating probation today, reportedly causing her younger sister to weep. I guess she was concerned about who would buy her beer for the next three months.


The suit O.J. Simpson wore on the day he was acquitted has been delivered to the Newseum in Washington, D.C. It took a while to get the suit there because the delivery truck had to be chased for four hours.


Several summer music festivals this year are showcasing artists covering entire albums of other musicians' works. P. Diddy was like, "What's the big deal? I've been doing this for years."


Nightmare on Elm Street is back and reported to be scarier than ever. Instead of wearing a sweater and a metal glove, Krueger is dressed as a Citigroup CEO and drives a Toyota.


John Lennon's handwritten lyrics to the final song on Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band were purchased during an auction for $1.2 million. The next highest bid that night went to the original lyrics for "Pants on the Ground."


Larry King is ending his show after 25 years. He says he plans to spend more time with his family. He's just trying to decide which one.


Eye doctors are warning Lady Gaga fans that the contact lenses she wears can be harmful to their eyes. The same thing could be said about her wardrobe.


The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81% of its members have used evidence from social networking sites. In related news, 81% of married couples haven't figured out how to update their Facebook privacy settings.


According to British researchers, children whose mothers lived near mobile phone towers while pregnant didn't appear to have a higher risk of cancer. Neither did the children's second heads.


Delta airlines mixed up the flights of two unrelated children traveling on separate itineraries. Amazingly, their luggage arrived at the correct destinations.


Dogs in China are reportedly being dyed to look like pandas and tigers. Animal rights activists are protesting the fad, but the Chinese argue that when dining, presentation is everything.


This month marks the 35th anniversary of the movie Jaws, which has given a bad rap to great white sharks ever since, just like Glitter did for Mariah Carey. (Except people actually saw Jaws.)


Corrupt prison employees have reportedly been smuggling thousands of cell phones to inmates. Officials knew something was up when prisons began to echo with "Can you hear me now?"


A New York couple was married this week in an Atlantis Marine World shark tank. The bride was like, "You think this is scary? You should have seen the pre-nup."


A female guest at a Nebraska Hampton Inn reportedly found a snake slithering in her toilet bowl. The woman has reserved the same room for the next two weeks.


The Smithsonian Institution is creating a line of jewelry for QVC based on its collection. Pieces include the Hope Diamond, Marie Antoinette's earrings, and Larry King's first wedding ring.


AirTran has launched "Harry Potter 1," a Boeing 717 that features Harry Potter's wand on its side. Later this year AirTran plans to launch even longer plane: the "Ron Jeremy 1."


Michael Vick said Monday that he cried after the shooting that followed his birthday party, because he let people down by putting himself in the situation. His friends were like, "Don't worry about it, man, you let us down way before that."


The NFL is urging players to wear more knee, thigh and hip protection on the field this season. The NBA, however, is urging players to use more protection off the court.


According to a recent survey, four out of five poker players admit to using legal and illicit drugs to improve their game, allowing poker to finally be classified as a sport.


A study released today shows 97 out of 100 scientists believe that people's actions have led to climate change. In a related study, three out of 100 scientists own SUVs.


Chinese scientists have discovered that a chemical found in cigarette butts may slow down the corrosion of steel. They're hoping it does the same for iron lungs.


Astronomers says a huge ball of burning gas in a neighboring galaxy may be the heaviest star ever discovered. They're watching old episodes of The View to be sure.


England's Medical Research Council says computer brain games don't necessary increase brain power. They do, however, increase your chances of living in your parents' basement well past 30.


A new study reports that too much TV and video games doubles the risk of children having attention problems. The study also shows that those children will be great at killing flesh-eating zombies.


Scientists are saying Botox may inhibit emotions by repressing facial expressions. Thankfully, people who get Botox don't really have emotions anyway.


Researchers in Chicago say that people with noticeable accents are considered less credible than those with no accent. Researchers still don't know how credible Madonna is.


BP CEO Tony Hayward took a break from overseeing the PB disaster to watch his yacht "Bob" participate in a race. Onlookers could easily identify Hayward's yacht as the one leaking oil.


The largest Russia-U.S. spy swap since the Cold War took place Thursday. The swap went so well, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev asked President Obama if he'd be interested in a wife-swap.


Schools across Mexico are teaching students to dive to the floor and cover their heads in case of a violent outbreak. The same methods were used by Mel Gibson's kids.

Broken ankles, broken hearts, and nude broken records in today's Plunder

Brett Favre said only the health of his ankle will determine whether he plays for the Vikings this season. The Packers have contacted Tonya Harding to help him with his decision.


According to the American Journal of Epidemiology, women who spend six hours a day sitting increase their risk of dying by 37%, whereas men who spend six hours a day sitting truly enjoy ESPN.


Yesterday a JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers and grabbed a beer before sliding down the plane's emergency exit. The company has since seen a surge in applications for flight attendants.


Levi Johnston, ex-fiance to Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, is going to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska and have it all taped for a reality show. Upon hearing the news, Palin began scouting the town for grassy knolls.


Warren Buffett says he and Bill Gates have pledges from 40 of America's wealthiest individuals to give away half of their fortunes to charity, in exchange for getting their loved ones back.


Newly-released statistics show that Mexico has modest murder rates compared to a decade ago. Just like Keith Richards had a modest drug problem.


According to a University of Michigan study, Russians are less likely than Americans to be depressed, which explains that constant grin on Vladimir Putin's face.


Having a sister protects young teens "from feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious and fearful," according to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology. Unless you're Ali Lohan.


A recent study shows that contaminated pet food can sicken people, as well as animals. Researchers determined this after finding out that Fancy Feast tastes as good as it looks.


Hampton, Virginia's City Council has decided to save paper by purchasing iPads for its
members. Apparently saving money wasn't on the agenda this year.


A judge awarded $500,000 to a Staten Island man who said he can't date because of a jaw injury suffered in a ferry crash, and not because of the fact he's from Staten Island.


More than 100 British people set a record for riding a roller coaster nude to benefit a local breast cancer charity. The event also set a record for most Purell used by subsequent riders on a roller coaster.


Spain's Catalonia has become the country's first mainland region to outlaw the sport of bullfighting. Michal Vick called their decision barbaric.